Willpower is in limited supply on any given day and always runs out when you need it most. When you use willpower against urges - you are fighting, combating, battling or engaged in a war. This is not a helpful energy / fuel to use to end nail biting. You are in a battle with yourself when you try to end nail biting this way, there can be no winner when it is you against you.

Yet ‘conventional’ wisdom has us using willpower to fight urges!!!!

All you are doing is resisting the urges. What you resist persists.

So why do we continue to believe that we have to use willpower to resist urges to end nail biting?

This is a broken method.

Let's dismantle this myth.

All willpower does is make any attempt to stop nail biting really miserable.
Deploying the ‘use willpower to resist urges’ method prolongs any attempt to stop nail biting.
And it does not tackle the root causes of nail biting.

How many times have you already attempted to stop biting your nails using this method?

So instead of thinking there is something wrong with you - how about questioning whether the method you've continually used is what's broken, instead?

You are not broken but your method is.
There is so much relief in knowing you are not the problem, it is not you.

Where did we learn 'use willpower to resist urges' is THE way to do it ??? Seems to be a collective myth that we never even question.

Simply repeating what hasn’t worked for you before and hoping that this time it will be different is bonkers. All because this is the approach we mistakenly believe is THE way to end nail biting.

What is needed is self discipline. When you say no to yourself you mean no. If self-discipline is an objectionable word to you then how about Commitment instead? Ask yourself how commitment feels in your body.

All you are doing is no longer letting your brain talk you into doing something 'in the moment' - that you previously decided you wouldn't do. Or keeping your word to yourself and doing the thing you said you would do.

In the beginning you need is a plan of what the absolute minimum is you can do and then to do that consistently. We all have attendance to fixate on perfection and set ourselves unrealistic challenges - then quit the first time we fail to live up to our own high expectations.

For example, I would not take recreational drugs. That is a clear decision I have made for myself. If anyone offered me drugs, I would not need to think or debate with myself as to whether I might on this occasion be tempted. It would be a hard NO. I would not have to think about it twice. I would not entertain the idea for a moment. It is completely off the table, never an option. My minimum standard around recreational drugs is that I would not take them. This means I don't ever have to think twice. I have decided what my policy is - it's a NO from me.

When I created a plan to stop nail biting back in July 2021, I set up several minimum standards for myself. These were things that I knew I could do and hold myself accountable with. One of them was - anytime I found my fingers in my mouth, I would remove them immediately. I promised myself that I would not debate with myself about whether to chew or not. I wouldn’t delay removing my fingers from my mouth - it would be an immediate action. I wouldn’t allow any exceptions on this ‘rule’ I was creating for my best long term interests.

I knew the moment would come, multiple times each day, when I’d find my fingers in my mouth. By deciding ahead of time what I would do, it made it easier in the moment to respond. I had a clear policy on this, which was no different to my policy on drugs - it’s a NO. I didn’t have to debate with myself or think about it fresh each time - this made it so much easier to stick to. It is exhausting allow this debate to happen multiple times a day. To flip flop backwards and forwards. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. This is like shopping with a toddler in a supermarket who wants sweets; because sometimes you do and sometimes you don't give in to the toddlers demands, guess what, there will be a tantrum. The toddler has figured out that if the fuss enough you might give in. This is exactly what the primitive part of our brain does. It offers you lots of excuses and tempting reasons why complying with the urge will be SO much better than saying no.

This takes self discipline. It takes commitment.

We are not born with this, we have to develop these skills, just like we build and grow any other skill.

Self discipline is the ability to do what is in your own best long term interest, regardless of how you are feeling physically or emotionally in the moment.

We make decisions about our long term interests with our higher brain.

In moments of temptation it is the more primitive part of our brain that is in control.

The skill of practising self discipline is being able to remind ourselves, in the moment of the urge, what we decided with our more evolved brain what is in our best long term interest. It is learning how to switch from our primitive brain back to our more conscious brain. This is why having a plan for ourselves of what we can do in those moments is so helpful. It is not a new decision that is required.

You always get to decide what your actions will be in those moments. And you get to chose whether you honour the plan you made for these moments.

Make your first steps small and achievable. Make them things that you can and will do consistently, without fail. Set yourself up to build and grow your self discipline, which will grow your self confidence. You build on this gradually.

This is how you learn to build trust with yourself regarding your nails. This is how you develop a whole new relationship with yourself and your nails.

Engaging self discipline is much more useful than using willpower, because willpower will let you down just when you need it most. Self discipline is something we grow, develop and will be there for us, just like the strength we build in our muscles at the gym. Working out in the gym can feel rubbish during the workout. The workout is the means to the end result, discomfort is the price paid for that result. However as nail biters we are so often running away from discomfort - this is another piece of the puzzle and the area that often requires the most coaching.

If you have come to the end of 'trying' to stop nail biting and want a permanent solution........then I can help you. I understand the habit inside and out. Ended a 50+ year nail biting habit. I extinguished the desire and the urge to bite in less than 30 days. This is the work I do with clients. Sign up for my Guide and discover more about why you are stuck.